


Would It Matter At All?

by Wolfcry22



Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [24]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Dark, Dark Poe Dameron, Depressed Poe Dameron, Depression, Gay Poe Dameron, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Poe Dameron/Finn, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Poe Dameron Angst, Poe Dameron Has Issues, Poe Dameron Has PTSD, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron Whump, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28218507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfcry22/pseuds/Wolfcry22
Summary: The one time that Finn isn't with Poe is just when Poe needs him the most. His mind races and dark thoughts take over as he struggles to make sense of it. Poe's mind is a very dangerous place for him to be in alone.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605424
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Would It Matter At All?

**Author's Note:**

> I know it’s been a bit since I’ve written something for this verse thanks to being very busy with work, but I managed to sit down and write something with the help of one of my favorite songs by the artist Skillet. I thought that the sound Would It Matter would encompass a lot of the thoughts that could be going through Poe’s head at certain times. There will be a strong warning for themes of depression and thoughts of suicide so please be aware of that. This story will be exceedingly dark since I wanted to show the side to PTSD that has to do with one’s own thoughts that I feel is sometimes overlooked. It’s often that some people with PTSD with experience thoughts of loneliness even if they have someone that cares about them. I hope you guys enjoy!

If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care

Poe gritted his teeth as he began to pace around his and Finn's room in tight circles. He felt wired and exhausted at the same time. He could feel his temple throbbing as his teeth gritted together to stop from unleashing the full wrath of emotions that he felt flooding over him like an ocean wave. Agony shot through his body and caused his already muddles thoughts to become impossible to sort out. Everything was a mess and it was all his fault and nothing anyone said or did could change that. 

If my time was up I'd wanna know

Everything was a mystery to Poe these days. He had used to be someone who could read the body language of anyone. He knew what everyone was thinking and how he had to respond to what they were thinking. Now he couldn't even tell what he was thinking. The realization of that seemed to slice him to his core and it made his already broken heart splinter into a million pieces. He had once been the man that everyone could rely on or at least come to for advice and support. Now he couldn't even talk himself down from the edge. 

You were happy I was there

The voices of so many pilots and Resistance members echoed in his mind. He was constantly reminded how useless he had become and how they would be better off with Leia. They may never have said those things to his face, but he heard the whispers when everyone thought that was zoned out and wasn't listening. Poe saw the look that he received daily. He knew that no one trusted him to lead the Resistance in his current mindset. He couldn't even dispute them because he knew that they were right.

If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep 

Poe was sure that no one would even notice if he and Finn packed up one day an left. Hell, they probably wouldn't notice if Poe just left either. They may need Finn, but they didn't need Poe. Finn was practically running the Resistance on his own since Poe was little to no help. On the good days when his mind was sharp it was as if everything was back to normal. Then, something would set him off and both of them would be reminded that this was their life now and there could be nothing done to help it.

If I wasn't hard and hollow 

Poe knew that he was stubborn, that he was reckless, and headstrong. He was well aware of that fact. Ordinarily, it had made him a great pilot and leader. He may have jumped into danger without thinking, but he didn't risk other lives when he didn't have to. He was able to lead with confidence and always put himself in harm's way first. Poe could outthink himself out of many situations and was always ready to do something knew. He would defend anyone until his last breath and stand up for injustices. That was just the kind of loyal friend that he was. He may be headstrong and stubborn, but that was certainly a desired trait in the Resistance.

Then maybe you would miss me 

Everyday Poe woke up and struggled to go through his daily routine. Finn was there to make sure that Poe didn't spend an hour brushing his teeth or stare at the closet without picking out his clothes for the entire day. He knew that Finn would notice if he was gone, but he doubted that Finn would be upset. He traded in his life as a First Order Stormtrooper to essentially watch Poe and make sure that he didn't break. Finn was the only one who could handle Poe and Poe knew that it wasn't fair to put Finn in this situation. He should be out enjoying his life, not watching after a grown man who couldn't tell between what had happened previously and reality. 

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone 

Poe suddenly darted forward and slammed both of his fists against the wall. He swore that he heard his bones crack, but he couldn't feel anything. When he looked up, he noticed that there was no mark. Poe let out a yowl of frustration as he kicked his foot against the wall to see if that would leave a mark. All it did was cause his entire leg to throb and vibrate from the radiating agony.

Someone that I'd like better 

This wasn't what Poe had wanted for his life. He thought about his parents and what they would think. He hadn't seen his mother since she had left on that devastating mission. He had been six years old. He could just imagine his mother looking down at him in shame because of what was going on. This wasn't the life that they would want for him. They wouldn't like to see him so weak and helpless. He had been given such an important position to lead the Resistance and he blew it, all because of his trauma that he couldn't get over. It was taking control of every part of his life and all Poe wanted to do was pull his brain from his skull just for some relief.

I can never forget, so don't remind me of it forever 

Poe whimpered as he reeled backwards with his hands clutched back into fists. He geared up to strike again when he looked around the room and noticed that there was a much easier to release his frustration. Poe stormed off to Finn's desk with a stack of papers about freight orders stacked in a neat pile seeming to stare up at him. Poe didn't hesitate to grab the stack of papers and chuck them against the room. He then grasped the edges of the desk before flipping it onto the floor. It landed with a metallic clank with one of the legs wretched almost backwards. For some reason, that made Poe even angrier and he couldn't stop from leaping forward and kicking the desk furiously until the leg snapped off and thudded against the ground across the small room.

What if I just pulled myself together

Poe took a few steps back with one of his hands lifted over the side of his face. He could feel his head throbbing with the rush of emotions as well from lack of sleep and eating. Poe could feel a knot beginning to form at the base of his neck while each time that his heart thumped in his chest, he felt his head throb with it. He let out a moan as he slightly hit his temple against the wall as he tried to will himself to snap out of it. He managed to hit his head a few more times, each one with added force, but nothing came from it except an even deeper throb.

Would it matter at all

"No, no, no, no!" The cries tore from Poe's throat before he could stop himself. He brought up his free hand and grasped at his curly hair. He grasped it by the fistful and yanked down as fiercely as he could until he felt the strain and pain from it. Unfortunately, Poe enjoyed the pain. It was something that he could control and it brought his thoughts away from what had happened to him in his past; this was the only thing that he knew how to do to chase the memories away on his own. Anytime a memory threatened to show itself, Poe snapped his head back with a sickening crunch against the wall. He felt a lump begin to protrude there and that didn't stop Poe's increased agitation and need to physically harm himself.

What if I just tried not to remember

When the jolting of Poe's skull against the wall couldn't chase away the thoughts, Poe knew that he had to do something more drastic. He straightened from the wall and immediately bustled over to the closet. He had grabbed a chair from his desk on the way over and slammed it down right in front of the rack. He scaled the chair quickly as he reached his arms over his head and felt around at the space on top of the rack until his fingers brushed against a metal box. He grasped it firmly before pulling it from the rack. He jumped down from the seat and carried it over to the bed.

Would it matter at all  
  
Poe placed it on the bed and tried to open the top. However, he couldn't open it. He grunted in frustration as he turned it around to find that he had to input a code. He quickly punched in the only code that he knew, but the box's keypad flashed red and wouldn't open. Poe repeated his four digit code to see the same result. A ripple of rage seemed to overwhelm him when he realized that Finn must've changed the code so that Poe couldn't open the locked box. That just made fresh rage spill from him.

All the chances that have passed me by

Deep down Poe knew that Finn would change the code on the box. Of course he would. It was a miracle that the locked box was actually still in their room, especially given what it contained. "I just want my fucking blaster," Poe snapped as he fiercely grasped the box and shook it to and fro. He could hear the blaster moving round inside and he longed to be able to break through the metal and grip the cool metal blaster in his hand with his finger rested on the trigger. 

Would it matter if I gave it one more try

It made complete sense that Finn would've changed the lock. He had gotten rid of anything that could be considered a weapon from their room, his own blasters included. Finn had left the one in the locked box in case he needed to defend himself or Poe. But, he couldn't have the possibility that Poe could open it up without Finn being there. Finn knew that Poe might try something like this and had taken precautions against it. Poe understood why and even thought that Finn was more clever than he could give him credit for, but that didn't mean that he wasn't frustrated that he couldn't get in when he desperately wanted to. Poe gave it a final shove across the bed as he stormed backwards. "Damnit!" 

Would it matter at all  
  
Poe started to pace around the room again with his hands now over his ears. He swore that he heard whispers around him. "Leave me alone," Poe cried, his voice raw from the emotion that he was struggling to swallow. He darted toward the corner of the room and pressed his back to it so that he could see around the room while making sure that nothing could sneak up behind him. His eyes were squinted against his growing headache thanks to how many times he had slammed his skull against the solid wall. Poe whimpered as he slid down against the wall with his knees brought up to chest while he managed to rock back and forth slightly. 

If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care

"I want this to be over. Why can't it be over," Poe continued with a few tears rolling down his cheeks as he lowered his head against his knees with his arms crossed over his head in an attempt to block out everything around him. "I can't do it anymore. Just let me go! Let me go."

Still stuck inside this sorrow

"Oh, my little one."

I got nothin' and going nowhere

Poe sniffled as he swore that he heard the faintest whisper, but he knew that it had to be his mind playing tricks on him. His eyes squeezed together firmer to block everything out. "It's not real. It's not real."

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone

Poe swore that he felt a brush of warm wind that smelled of rain and sweet rosemary seem to brush against his cheek. He shied away from it even though every instinct was telling him to lean into it. 

Someone that I'd like better 

A presence seemed to wrap around him with warmth in safety. It was a feeling that Poe hadn't been aware of for decades. Sure, he had Finn and knew that Finn cared for that, but this sort of affection was different. This sort of affection could only come from one person. 

Can you help me forget, don't wanna feel like this forever

Poe felt his throat seem to close in emotion as he spoke. "Mother?" 

If I left tomorrow would anybody care

The presence seemed to wrap even more against him, threading around him. As quickly as the presence seemed to be there, it vanished without any warning.

Stuck in this sorrow

It left Poe lost and confused with a longing still in his heart. "Mother," he repeated desperately.

I got nothin' Going nowhere

Tears still stung at Poe's eyes, just now for a different reason. His head finally lifted with desperation shinning in his brown eyes. "Mother!" 

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone

"Don't leave me!"

Someone that I'd like better  
  
A soft voice met Poe's ears as if his mother was standing right beside him, gentle and comforting. "I will never leave you, my little one."

I can never forget  
  
Desperation turned into anger. He should've been excited to hear her, but he was just angry that she wasn't beside him. "You've already left me!"

So don't remind me of it forever...

"It was my time to go. It wasn't because I didn't want to be with you or your father. Nothing would change how much I loved both of you. This is what had to happen." 

What if I just pulled myself together?

Poe curled his hands into angry fists. "You still left! You chose the Rebellion over me and I had to grow up without you."

Would it matter at all?

"I hope one day you will understand why I did what I did. I fought for you to have a better life."

What if I just tried not to remember?

Poe snorted in distain. "And I'm sure that you're disappointed of who I have become," he flashed fiercely. "A broken man with a broken body and a broken mind."

Would it matter at all?

"I am more proud of you than you will ever know," the voice continued to whisper. "You are more than what has happened to you. Nothing you ever do could make me love you any less or diminish how much pride I feel when I look down at you."

All the chances that have passed me by

"I wish you were here to say those things," Poe whimpered.

Would it matter if I gave it one more try?

"I know, my little one. I wish that as well, but you will see me again one day. Until then, know that I will always be with you, even if you can't see or hear me."

Would it matter at all?

Poe knew that she meant as a presence, but that didn't make him feel much better. "It's not the same," he muttered darkly.

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone

"I know, but I will be waiting for you."

Someone that I'd like better

"Mother."

Can you help me forget?

"You will get through this."

Don't wanna feel like this forever...

"Mother!”

Forever!

"Don't leave me."

What if I just pulled myself together?

"Stay strong, my little one, and don't lose hope."

Would it matter at all?

"Mother!"

What if I just tried not to remember? 

The presence left as quickly as it came. Poe felt coldness spread through him once more as goosebumps appeared along his arms and and ache seemed to settle in his bones. He felt more lost now than he had before as he pressed his head against the wall.

Would it matter at all?

Exhaustion, emotional and physical, rushed over Poe. His eyes began to close as he fought to keep himself awake. His headache was beginning to dull ever so slightly while his eyes turned heavy. 

All the chances that have passed me by

The anger that Poe felt began to slowly ebb from his tired muscles. He was just too weary to continue to be angry. In fact, he couldn't even remember what had to set him off at first.

Would it matter if I gave it one more try? 

Poe opened his eyes slowly to see the room strewn about, an affect of his rage. He knew that he should be embarrassed and he was sure that Finn would want to talk to him about it. Finn didn't get angry easily and sometimes Poe tried to push him to see how far he could push Finn before Finn would lash out at him out of anger since that was what Poe felt like he deserved.

If I left tomorrow 

Poe couldn't think about that right now. He was just too tired.

Would anybody care? 

Poe no longer felt the need to find a blaster and do anything that he couldn't take back. That fierce surge of despair and anger was gone and was left with just confusion, especially after hearing his mother.

Stuck in this sorrow

Realization dawned on him that it was just his mind that had played a trick on a him. There was no way that he could hear his mother's voice. She had been dead for decades and she hadn't been a Jedi. She wasn't like Leia or Luke.

Going nowhere

"Just my dumb thoughts," Poe muttered darkly as he felt his eyes close and not open again. "Not real."

All the chances that have passed me by 

The presence seemed to return, but Poe was too tired to open his eyes. He swore that he felt a hand rest on his shoulder and someone plant a kiss on the top of his head, just like his mother used to do before she put him to bed.

Would it matter if I gave it one more try?

"I will always be with you."

Would it matter at all?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you everyone for reading the next part in this series. I hope to be able to write in this verse a lot more frequently. I hope you all enjoyed and are staying safe and healthy!


End file.
